- Esther's Letters
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- The Principal of Function
Self-Abandonment
When we struggle with abandoning ourselves, the battle is to decipher what is valuable and important. As women and caretakers, we are faced with the daily challenges of decision-making between:
- What we need
- What others need
- What others need from us
Often, what gets us up in the morning — The motivator and facilitator — is what others need from us: our family, our boss, the rent, our friends.
This can lead to a pattern where we prioritize others over ourselves.
Reflect on the last few days: where have you prioritized others over yourself? How do they require you to show up?
Society demands accountability, whether it is the house we live in or the community we belong to.
Everyone’s idea of normal is different. People project what they perceive onto others.
The Concept of “Functionality”
In private sessions, I teach the concept of “Functionality.”
This is a threshold line that shouldn’t be crossed.
When someone compromises a situation and exists in the realm of dysfunction, reality begins to alter.
Recognizing this threshold is crucial, especially when guiding my own child to be ready for the outside world. This is an indicator of how successful my child will be when facing the world. Outside of divine intervention.
Basic Principles of Function:
A Healthy Environment: Just like you wouldn’t live in a dangerous neighborhood, prioritize physical, emotional, and spiritual safety. This is non-negotiable.
Eat Nutritious Meals: Fuel your body with what it needs to function well.
Financial Accountability: Manage your finances responsibly.
Basic Physical Hygiene: Maintain a regular hygiene routine.
A Healthy Sleeping Routine: Ensure you get enough rest.
Healthy Friends: Surround yourself with supportive and positive people.
Self-Assessment: Ask yourself if you are an asset or liability to society.
Proactive Communication: Communicate when something isn’t working — be proactive, not complaining.
Recognizing the Deficit and Dysfunction
A key indicator that you are slipping into dysfunction is if a decision will neglect your primary needs.
The greatest lie we tell ourselves is “I don’t have time” or “I can’t afford it.”
If we don’t take the time or energy to care for ourselves, many other things will go wrong.
Define your level of function before comparing and examining your personal situation.
Signs of Impending Change
When things become too much, and you start feeling irritated, it’s an indication that change is coming.
Don’t be hard on yourself; see it as an opportunity for growth.
Growth, however, must be gradual, like adding weights incrementally. If you are not ready to handle your current situation, adding more will be challenging.
The Consequence of Saying No
There is often a fear of punishment when we create boundaries by saying no or putting ourselves first. External experiences may lead to fear of shame, judgment, or perceived incompetence.
Understand that it’s not about your competence but about prioritizing what has value.
Separate yourself from your schedule and lead from within.
Self-Centered vs. Self-Absorbed
This approach might seem selfish, but it isn’t; it is self-centered.
Ask yourself if the sacrifices you make for others are working for or against you. If symptoms like depression, anxiety, shame, loneliness, and isolation emerge, it might be due to self-abandonment.
Learn to hold space for the world without losing space for yourself.
Holistic Approach to Health
Being in a healthy space means approaching things holistically, considering mental and social factors, not just symptoms.
For instance, intuitive eating is about noticing how your body responds to food.
Does it make you feel good?
Does it give you energy?
Learn about your body’s needs rather than following external advice.
Emotional Regulation and Self-Connection
Emotional neglect creates a separation between our inner and outer worlds. The challenge is integrating these worlds so that we are the same person in all spaces.
Many of us feel disconnected due to a lack of support during our formative years.
Emotional regulation is often learned in childhood but can also be developed later in life.
Addressing Emotional Indigestion
When emotions aren’t validated, they lead to emotional indigestion—feeling like what we are experiencing is wrong.
This disconnect can cause us to dismiss valuable emotions.
Instead, we must validate our emotions to motivate better choices and evolve into the best version of ourselves.
Pay Attention to Your Environment
Rather than blaming external factors, ask yourself how they affect you.
The answer might not come immediately, so be patient.
What you can always control is how you honor your internal process.
Your perception of yourself versus others’ perceptions can indicate where there is a lack of follow-through and delivery.
By understanding and applying these principles, you can achieve a more balanced and functional life, reducing the deficit of dysfunction and fostering personal growth.
Esther